My happy little life..

Yesterday and today the first and second year of my school had the presentations of their personal projects, wich means that everyone show one act each! It's been great, I'm so happy for everyone because all of them had done a really nice job and had really nice presentations...
But it also make me feel like shit.
It makes me jeallous..
I'm forcing my self to stay possitive and happy everyday, I tell my self to be motivated to do my little project for exit, I tell my self it's gonna be ok to not train for another 4 months.
But I'm not happy.
I feel like shit.
I'm loosing all my muscles, fat is over taking my body, I want to move, I want to train.
I can't.
I have pain.
I still have fucking pain.
It's been two months of doing nothing except easy physical preparation that I don't even call training.. And my back is still painfull. Yes it's better but not good.
Not good enough.
All the time is some one asking my how I am and how's it going and I smile and I give the answer that I and everyone else want's to hear, that everything is fine.
It's not.
I don't want to find a new speciality of my own, I want to catch, I'm a catcher.
I'm to old to restart with a new disciplin. I don't know if I can motivate my self to restart one more time, to rebuild everything that I builded for four, or even more,years.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared to leave Brussels and my life here.
I don't want to leave my friends, I want to stay here and perform and build shows, but I can't.
I'm also scared to come back to Stockholm and my friends there.. I changed, they changed, we've been two years from eachother..
Is it gonna be like before to move back?
I don't want to move back but what else can I do?
I know, I exaggerate and most of the time I feel happy and motivated. But not today and not when I see everyone progress so much when I just go down..